Have you ever heard the story of the young couple’s first date? The young lady was expecting the young man to show up. She was dressed up and waiting patiently. However, by the time he was an hour late, she figured she had been stood up. So, she took off her makeup, put on her pajamas, gathered all the junk food in the pantry, and sat down to watch TV with the dog. As her favorite show was just coming on the doorbell rang. It was her young man. He stared at her wide eyed and said, “I’m two hours late, and you’re still not ready?”
Did I ever tell you about the young Zoad? Who came to a sign at the fork of the road? He looked one way and the other way too. The Zoad had to make up his mind what to do. Well, the Zoad scratched his head, and his chin, and his pants. And he said to himself, “I’ll be taking a chance. If I go to Place One, that place may be hot. So how will I know if I like it or not. On the other hand, though, I’ll feel such a fool. If I go to Place Two and find it’s too cool. In that case I may catch a chill and turn blue. So Place One may be best and not Place Two. Play safe,” cried the Zoad, “I’ll play safe, I’m no dunce. I’ll simply start off to both places at once. And that’s how the Zoad who would not take a chance, went no place at all with a split in his pants. (Dr. Seuss)
A father took his young daughter to the grocery store to get groceries. Mom had given them a carefully prepared list. The two of them returned home with one of those big bags of M&Ms. His wife said, “Why did you buy this? You know M&Ms aren’t good for you!” The husband said, “Don’t worry, honey this bag of M&Ms has one-third less calories than usual.” The wife looked over the package. She says, “What makes you think that there are one-third less calories than usual?” The husband says “Well, we ate about a third of the bag on the way home, so now there’s one-third less calories than usual!”
An overweight businessman decided that it was time to lose weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning however, he arrived at work carrying a big gigantic coffee cake. “This is a very special cake,” he explained, “I accidently drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of warm goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, “Lord if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me find a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,” he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!”
One year I had initially resolved to exercise, but after a little research I decided it wasn’t a good idea. These are the three things I base that decision on:
- If walking were good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
- A whale swims all day every day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
- A rabbit runs and hops and only lives fifteen years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise, I don’t think so.
The other day I got in a line, and stood there for 20 minutes. When I got to the front I realized the line was for exercise. I thought the sign had said extra fries!
Here are a few one-liners:
*My goal for this year is to lose just ten pounds. So far I only have fifteen to go.
*Last night I had salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes … well, actually it was just one big round crouton with tomato sauce … well okay, I had pizza.
*How to prepare tofu … One: throw it in the trash. Two: Grill some meat.
*Yesterday I did a week’s work of cardio – I walked into a spider web.
*I don’t mean to brag, but last year I finished a 14-day diet in three hours and twenty minutes.
*Kids today have it easy, I walked nine feet across shag carpet to change the TV channel.
*A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight … live longer than the men who mention it.
Methuselah ate what he found on his plate, and never as people do now.
Did he note the amount of the calorie count? No, he ate it because it was chow.
He wasn’t disturbed as at dinner he sat destroying a roast or a pie,
To think it was lacking in lime or in fat or a couple of vitamins shy.
He cheerfully chewed every species of food, untroubled by worries or fears
Lest his health might be hurt as faddists assert, and he lived over 900 years.