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PASTORAL STAFF JOB DESCRIPTIONS: (THIS IS ALL IN FUN)

SENIOR PASTOR: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Discusses policy with God.

BOARD MEMBERS: Leap short buildings in a single bound. Are more powerful than a Hummer. Are faster than a speeding BB. Walk on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God.

ADMINISTRATIVE PASTOR: Barely clears a Quonset hut. Loses tug-of-war with a Hummer. Can fire a gun. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

YOUTH PASTOR:  Makes marks on the wall when trying to leap over buildings. Is run over by a Hummer. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to the animals.

CHILDREN’S PASTOR:  Runs into buildings. Has never seen a Hummer. Uses a squirt gun. Can’t stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to the walls.

PEOPLE PROBLEMS:

To dwell above with the saints in love, that will indeed be glory … but to dwell below with the saints we know, well that is a different story.

I don’t know if you have noticed this, but I have noticed … it seems that wherever I go, there is a certain family there. I call them the Tater Family. You probably do know them. DICK-TATER … he is the Dad, AGGIE-TATER … she’s the Mom, SPEC-TATER … that’s their Son, IRRI-TATOR … that’s the Girl … Oh, and don’t forget their dog VEGGIE. (Rev. Bill Stephens)

I heard of a pastor who called a man into his office. The pastor questioned him … the stories that he had told … the man replied, “It’s not me that starts all of these rumors, It’s the people I tell them to.”

A new minister came to a church. The congregation really didn’t even know him that well. The word got out in the Ladies’ Society that the new preacher had come to one of their meetings, and had forced his wife to leave the meeting in tears and to go home. This rumor spread all around the church. Finally, he stood at the pulpit and said, “I’ve heard this rumor … I have four things to say:

Number one: I have never interfered with any woman’s choice; she may attend whatever she wishes.

Number two: There was no wife of mine attending the meeting in question.

Number three: I was not at the meeting in question.

Number four, and finally: I don’t yet have a wife.”

TRUE STORY: The church is not a place for competition. It was more than 200 years ago when the English and the French were at war over what was then called colonial Canada. British Admiral Phipps arrived early and was supposed to wait for the rest of the British troops. Phipps was an ardent non-conformist. While waiting he noticed a huge Catholic Cathedral with statues of saints on the towers. Phipps had his men load their cannons and they began shooting at the statues. While yes … he knocked a few down, history records that when the infantry arrived, and the signal was given to attack, Phipps didn’t have any more ammunition. He had used it all shooting the saints. Perhaps instead of focusing on what we differentiate in, we need to focus on what we can agree on. Jesus’ blood, His cross, and a lost world is what really matters!

TRUE STORY: Dean Rusk was the Secretary of State of the United States of America from1961 – 1969. One day Rusk told the House Foreign Affairs Committee, with a sigh, “The world is round. Only one-third of the people of the world are asleep at any given moment. The other two-thirds are awake and probably stirring up mischief somewhere.”

A man by the name of Sam was in the computer business for 25 years. One day he decided he was sick of all the stress, so he quit his job. He bought 50 acres in Vermont, as far from humanity as possible. Sam now only saw the postman once a week, and he bought his groceries once a month. Other than that, it was total peace and quiet. After about six months of total isolation, a knock came at his door. Sam opened the door, and there stood the biggest man he have ever seen. He was a Vermont mountain man. He said, “My name is Enoch … I’m your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. I’m having a party this Saturday and I would like you to come.” Well, after 6 months of silence, Sam was ready for a friend. Just before Enoch left however, he said, Gotta warn you there will be some loud music, more than likely there will be some fighting too.” Sam thought … I usually get along with anybody. As a last thought … Sam asked, “What should I wear?” the mountain man answered back, “Wear whatever you want, it’s just gonna be the two of us.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:

MY HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED … If Jesus were here today He would be wanted by: The Liquor Licensing Board for turning water into wine without a license; the Medical Association for practicing medicine without a license; the Health Department for feeding 5,000 people in the open without a permit; the Education Department for teaching without a certificate; the Water Police for walking on water without a life jacket; the ASPCA for driving a herd of pigs into the sea; the Board of Psychiatrists for giving free advice on living a guilt free life; the Women’s Liberation Movement for not choosing a woman disciple; and the Inter-Faith Movement for condemning all other religions.

In November of a few years ago, the Lord came to Noah’s one-hundredth generational grandson. His name was also Noah, and he was now living in the United States. The Lord said, “Noah, once again, the earth has become wicked, and I see the end of all flesh before me. I want you to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.” God then gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “With all this modern technology, I’m only giving you three years to build the Ark. And then I will start the unending rain for forty days and forty nights.”

Three years later, the Lord stopped by to check on Noah. The Lord found Noah weeping in his back yard, but no Ark. “Noah,” the Lord said, “I thought we had an understanding, where is the Ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah,” but things have changed. I did my best, but there were big problems.” Noah continued, “First the city inspector came by and said I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project.” Noah swallowed hard, “When I applied for a building permit Lord, Your plans did not meet their codes. So, I had to hire an engineer to redraw Your plans.” “Redraw My plans?” thundered the Lord! “I tried to explain who I was building the Ark for, Lord, but all the clerk said was, “Oh sure, and I’m the Queen of Sheba.” “But that’s not all, I then got into a huge struggle with the Fire Department, about the need for a sprinkler system. I had to get a variance from the design review board.

We no sooner got that settled, and then my neighbors got together and claimed that I was violating the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard, and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go back to the planning commission for a decision. And then, the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us but they would hear nothing of that. And then, getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I need the wood to save the owls, but they would not hear of it. And then, the EPA ruled that I could not build the Ark until they conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. They asked for a detailed report, so I sent them a globe.

But that’s not all Lord, then the carpenters I hired to help my sons and I build the Ark formed a union and went on strike. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark building experience. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. And, by the way lord, I’m also still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

But I’m still not through with my problems Lord. When I started gathering the animals, an animals rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. About the time I convince them that I really did intend to take good care of the animals, we had to start negotiations on why I was only taking two of each kind. And then, to make matters worse, Lord, the IRS seized all my assets. Their claiming I’m trying to leave the country to avoid paying taxes. And they say if I do go, I need to file and pay use taxes. Believe it or not Lord, the animal rights group is now suing me again. Their claiming I’m trying to leave the country with endangered species.”

About then, Noah’s wife came out of the house to see who Noah was talking to. So, Noah moved a bit behind her, and looking around her, Noah said, “So, forgive me, Lord, but it is still going to take at least another 100 years for me to finish the Ark.” The Lord was silent as Noah shuddered and waited. Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “Lord, does this mean you are not going to destroy the world?” “No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

POWER:

In a seminary mission’s class, a man by the name of Herbert Jackson told how, as a new missionary he went to a mission station. There he was given a car that would not start without a push. After pondering his problem, he devised a plan. He went to the school near his home, got permission to take some children out of class, and had them push his car off. As he made his rounds, he would either park on a hill or leave the engine running. He used this ingenious procedure for two years. One day orders came for he and his family to move on to another station. A new missionary came to that station. Jackson proudly began to explain his arrangement for getting the car started. The new man began looking under the hood. Before the explanation was complete, the new missionary interrupted, “Why, Dr. Jackson, I believe the only trouble is this loose cable.” He gave the cable a twist, stepped into the car, pushed the switch, and to Jackson’s astonishment, the engine roared to life. For two years needless trouble had become routine. The power was there all the time. Only a loose connection kept Jackson from putting that power to work.

PRAYER:

 I got up early one morning, and rushed right into the day; I had so much to accomplish, I didn’t have time to pray. Troubles just tumbled about me, and heavier came each task. Why doesn’t God help me, I wondered, He answered, “You didn’t ask.” I tried to come into God’s presence. I used all my keys at the lock. God gently and lovingly chided, “Why child, you didn’t knock.” I wanted to see joy and beauty, but the day toiled on gray and bleak, I called on the Lord for the reason—He said, “You didn’t seek.” I woke up early this morning, and paused before entering the day. I had so much to accomplish, that I had to take time to pray.

 A minister in church was observing a young boy. The boy was praying very fervently. But much to the preacher’s surprise, he was also heard to say from time to time: “Tokyo, Tokyo, Tokyo.” So, the preacher approached the boy after he had finished his prayer. “Son, I was very pleased to see you praying but tell me, why did you keep saying ’Tokyo, Tokyo, Tokyo?” The boy replied, “Well, you see sir, I just finished taking my geography test in school, and I have been praying for the Lord to make Tokyo the Capital of France. That way I will get that question right!”

Stonewall Jackson was a man of prayer. Jackson said, “I have so fixed the habit of prayer in my mind that I never raise a glass of water to my lips without asking God’s blessing, never seal a letter without putting a word of prayer under the seal, never take a letter from the post (office) without a brief sending of my thoughts heavenward, never change my classes in the lecture-room without a minute’s petition for the cadets who go out and for those who come in.”

PRAYING FOR YOUR FAMILY:

TRUE STORY: Dwight Lyman Moody was a famous Baptist Preacher. In a book of his biography you will find the following information. Dwight was born in the early 1800’s. It is estimated that during his lifetime he won over one million people to Christ. But at first, it did not seem that it was going to turn out that way. Dwight left his home in Northfield, Massachusetts at the age of 17. He was disruptive and couldn’t get along with anyone. Worst of all, his mother made him go to church as a child. He left home and headed for his uncles home in Boston. When he got there he was homeless and penniless. His uncle let him go to work in his shoe store with one condition. Dwight had to go to church with them. It took a whole year of Dwight complaining and arguing, but Dwight did go. In the meantime, Dwight became one of the best shoe salesmen his uncle ever had, but he still made him go to church to keep his job. Finally, one Sunday Dwight gave his life to Christ. The next Sunday … Dwight told them he wanted to teach a Sunday School Class. They told him there wasn’t an opening for him to teach a class. Dwight told them, ‘If I can round up some boys to attend can I teach?” They agreed, no doubt tongue in cheek. The next Sunday Dwight came walking in with 17 boys in tow. It turns out that Dwight could not only sell shoes, he could also sell people on coming to Jesus Christ. But remember, it all started with a mom and dad, and an aunt and uncle who did all they could to influence Dwight to know Jesus.

PRIDE:

A newly promoted colonel had moved into a makeshift office. He was just getting unpacked when out of the corner of his eye, He noticed a private with a toolbox coming his way. He wanted to seem important … So … he grabbed the phone and pretended to be in the middle of a conversation: “Yes sir, Mr. President. I’ll be happy to do that Mr. President. Well that’s kind of the First Lady, you give her my regards as well.” He hung up the phone on that non-existent conversation. He looked at the private. He said, :What can I do for you?” The private looked at the Colonel sheepishly and said, “Well, sir, I’m just here to hook up your telephone.” (Reader’s Digest)

A young woman went to her pastor for help. She told him, “Pastor, I am struggling with something, and I want your help. I come to church on Sunday and I can’t help thinking that I’m the prettiest girl in the congregation. I know I shouldn’t think that way, I know Pride is a sin, but I can’t help it.” Then she asked, “Can you help me with this?” The pastor replied, “Mary, don’t worry about it. In your case it’s not a sin. You’re just terribly mistaken.”

PRODIGAL SON:

This is the story of the prodigal son in the key of “F”: Feeling footloose and frisky, a featherbrained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the farthings, and flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Fleeced by his fellows in folly, and facing famine, he found himself a feedflinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famishing, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments. “Phooey! My father’s flunkies fare far finer!” The frazzled fugitive, frankly facing facts, frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding, fled forthwith to his family. Falling at his father’s feet, he forlornly fumbled, “Father, I’ve flunked, I’ve fruitlessly forfeited family favour.” The farsighted father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch the fatling from the flock and fix a feast. The fugitive’s fault-finding brother frowned on fickle forgiveness of former fritterer, but the faithful father figured, “Filial fidelity is fine, but the fugitive is found! What forbids fervent festivity? Let flags be unfurled, let fanfares flare.” So the father’s forgiveness formed the foundation for the former fugitive’s future fortitude.

PROVISION:

TRUE STORY: During World War 2, a US marine was separated from his unit on a Pacific island. Alone in the jungle, he could hear enemy soldiers coming in his direction. He found his way to several small caves & crawled inside one of the caves. He thought surely they will search all the caves and he would be killed … but he prayed, “Lord, please protect me.” Then he saw a spider begin to build a web over the front of his cave. He even prayed again. “God, I need a brick wall, not a spider web.” To his amazement, the spider web covered the entrance. His cave looked as if no one had entered for quite a while. When the soldiers came, and saw the web, they did not search his cave … God is our protector.

PSYCHOLOGY:

He was a Professor of psychology, but he had no children of his own … Whenever he saw a neighbor scolding a child for some wrongdoing, he would say, “You should love your boy … not punish him.” One hot summer afternoon the professor was doing some repair work on a concrete driveway. He was tired out after several hours of work. He went and sat down to rest for a few minutes. Just then out of the corner of his eye he saw the neighbor boy putting his foot into the fresh cement. He rushed over, grabbed him, and was about to scold him severely when his neighbor leaned from a window and said, “Watch it, Professor! Don’t you remember? You must ’love’ the child!” At this, he yelled back furiously, “I do love him in the abstract but not in the concrete!”

PURITY:

TRUE STORY: There’s an animal found in some spots in the state of Minnesota as well as a few other places of similar climate too. This animal is called an ermine. The ermine is a short-tailed weasel. It has the unique feature of having its fur change to a snow-white color in the winter. God created this animal with this feature to protect it from others. The ermine instinctively protects his white coat against anything that would soil it. Fur hunters in northern Europe and Asia take advantage of this unusual trait of the ermine. They don’t set a snare to catch him, but instead they find his home, which is usually a opening in a rock or a hollow in an old tree. They smear the entrance and interior with grime. Then the hunters set their dogs loose to find and chase the ermine. The frightened animal flees toward home. But when he gets there he doesn’t enter because of the filth. Rather than soil his white coat, he is trapped by the dogs and captured while preserving his purity. For the ermine, purity is more precious than life.

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